Sailing Team Dissolves in Rio Water

Canadian Sailing Team Dissolves in Rio Waters After Boat Tips Over

With dissolved limbs and melted flesh, the athletes may not make weight and risk disqualification. 

By Sam Nadell

Reports out of Rio de Janeiro indicate that the Canadian sailing team has dissolved after falling into the heavily polluted waters of Guanabara Bay.

At around 2:30pm local time on Thursday, the Canadian athletes lost control during a practice run after encountering unusually turbulent waters. Witnesses say the boat capsized and the sailing duo was thrown overboard, where pieces of their bodies immediately began to disintegrate upon contact with the putrid lagoon.

“We deeply regret the pair of Canadian sailors getting liquified,” said Brazil’s sports minister Ricardo Leyser, noting that on the plus side, neither came back to life as a radioactive monster. “We had no way of knowing that would happen, aside from all the indications that it would.”

While authorities were able to recover bits of the athletes’ uniforms – all of which were tinged with a reddish, greenish, yellowish shade of fluorescent, neon purple – they have thus far failed to identify the athletes’ remains amid the sprawling mass of garbage, human waste, and other, unrelated corpses. Despite the tragedy, however, the International Olympic Committee remains optimistic about the upcoming games.

“Although we are saddened by the news of the Canadian sailing team’s soupification, everything is going according to schedule,” IOC president Thomas Boch said in an official statement made from the comfort of his Swiss mansion. “Rest assured that Brazil’s crippled infrastructure, widespread political upheaval, uncurbed crime epidemic, and the dissolution of two athletes off the breathtaking and acidified coast of Rio will in no way impact how much I make off this year’s games.”

The Brazilian Olympic committee also reported positive news, noting that there are now two fewer confirmed victims of the Zika virus.