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Tired of our current universe? Try joining Trump.

By Roger Simon

For a guy who won’t even release his tax returns, Donald Trump has become America’s leading crime fighter.

He doesn’t want people to know how much money he makes, or how much he pays in taxes, or how much he gives to charity.

Other presidents have had no trouble with this. As Fox’s Chris Wallace said on May 15, “Every Republican nominee since Richard Nixon, who at one time was under an audit, has released their tax returns.”

True, Nixon did not release his returns until after he was reelected (he was a crook, not an idiot), but that was more than Trump has released.

Democrats like Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders released their tax returns. True, Hillary is in a big controversy because she tried to keep some government emails confidential. As far as we know, she committed no crime in doing so. But some are now acting as though she stole the Mona Lisa.

Trump thundered on Monday that we need an immediate investigation into the Clinton Foundation by a special prosecutor. I don’t have any problem with that. But let’s have a special prosecutor investigate Trump’s tax returns at the same time.

Because fair is fair, right?

Trump has assembled a new inner circle because he ran over the last one in his bus. Then he backed up and ran over the inner circle again. The inner circle has written a nice little stump speech for Trump. It is short, powerful and punchy. And it is on a teleprompter in case he loses his place, which he often seems to do.

So the Republicans now have a candidate. They have an inner circle, they have a punchy stump speech and now they just need one more thing: an audience dopey enough to believe it all.

“Give me a chance,” Trump begs at every speech. “What the hell do you have to lose?” If you are a minority in America, you are probably living a life of desperate misery and hopeless poverty, Trump says. So why not take a risk by voting for Trump? How could he make things worse?

In reality, being a minority member in America does not condemn you to a life of misery or poverty. But in Trump’s world, a world in which he rubs elbows only with those minority members who cut his lawn and serve him hors d’oeuvres, minorities live in an underclass from which they cannot escape.

Trump is not a lawyer, but he has run the Miss Universe Pageant, which has given him incredible insight into other cultures.

At his presidential announcement speech on June 16, 2015, Trump said: “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

At least 16 other Republicans ran for president in this election cycle. Did the Republican Party send its best, or did people like Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, Rick Santorum, Carly Fiorina, Ted Cruz and Chris Christie try to bring their problems with them into the White House?

Some, I assume, are good people. But when a candidate won’t even show you his tax returns, doesn’t that seem a little suspicious?

Which brings us back to crime and Trump’s new mantra: “Give me a chance. What the hell do you have to lose?”

Afraid to walk down your street at night? You won’t under a President Trump. Afraid of rapes and robberies and the scourge of drugs in your neighborhood? Just beep The Donald.

For just a small fee (shipping extra), his campaign will send you one of those devices you can talk into and say: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” or “There’s a minority member looking at me funny from down the block. Can you come and arrest him?”

And Trump will do it! Give him a chance. What do you have to lose?

Hillary? Hillary “lacks the mental and physical stamina to take on ISIS,” Trump claims.

“To defeat crime and radical Islamic terrorism in our country, to win trade in our country, you need tremendous physical and mental strength and stamina,” says Trump. “Hillary Clinton doesn’t have that strength and stamina.”

How does he know? He doesn’t. He is not a doctor. And Hillary’s doctor has given her a complete bill of health.

Trump’s doctor since 1980 has been Dr. Harold Borenstein and he gave Trump a glowing, though oddly worded statement of health.

Borenstein, a gastroenterologist, examined Trump and wrote that: “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

How does he know that? How could he possibly go back in time to determine that? He couldn’t. It’s all just nuttiness. It’s all just politics.

“I do feel at times this campaign has entered into an alternative universe,” Hillary Clinton said Monday.

I think we all know how she feels.