Fiorina Wants To Know

Carly Fiorina Wants To Know Why She’s The Only Chick Who Gets Sexismed

By Kaili Joy Gray

Carly Fiorina’s 15 minutes sure went by fast, didn’t they? One minute she was nobody, the next minute she was that pathological liar who’d spouted a whole bunch of demonstrably untrue horsecrap about Planned Parenthood during the Republican debate she’d whined her way into, and the minute after that she was … well, back to hovering right around nobody territory again.

Fiorina, who has repeatedly denounced feminism as a mere leftist political gimmick, opposed every single program and piece of legislation that benefits women, and has insisted that unlike Hillary Clinton, she won’t play the gender card or claim her vagina is a qualification. She even had the titanium ovaries to blame Donald Trump’s attack on her face on Democrats, with an ad — “Ladies, note to Democrat Party” — and everything.

So on Sunday, Carly Fiorina seized the generous opportunity provided to her by “Fox News Sunday” host John Roberts to gender-neutrally bitch and whine about how she’s the only woman who has ever experienced sexism, or something.

Oh, and TRIGGER WARNING for Roberts saying words that are so damned stupid, you will want to stab yourself in the ear with a screwdriver.

You don’t even have to know what the “things like that” are that would never be said about Hillary Clinton, to know that this a whopping crock. Because, FACT, there is nothing people — from Joe Scarborough to Mike Huckabee to the New York Times — wouldn’t say about Hillary Clinton: her cankles, her laugh, her cleavage, her infrequent sex life with her husband, her husband’s sex life with an intern, her secret sex life with her aide Huma, her hideous face, her bad haircuts, her stupid headbands, her OMG EMAILS!!!!, her murder of Vince Foster and god only knows who else, and ugh, those pantsuits.

Just to name a few examples off the top of our pretty little lady head.

Anyway, Fox News dude Roberts has never watched his own cable network and is unaware of the endless list of adjectives used to describe Clinton, on the regular. But the ladies of “The View” chuckled and said Fiorina’s face looked “demented” during the recent Republican debate, when Fiorina tried to smile, which happens to be true, as you can see from the awkward moment we captured for you, above. And yes, if any dude on the stage had said he was going to try to smile more, and then smiled all awkward like that, we’d make fun of him too.

But Carly, who definitely does not want this election to be about playing the vag card, no sirree, wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity:

FIORINA: Yeah. I think there’s a double standard. It’s funny, you know. I was on “The View” several months ago. They said none of that to my face.

There is nothing more threatening to the liberal media in general, and to Hillary Clinton in particular, than a conservative woman. So of course there’s a double standard. And conservative women — from Sarah Palin to to Michele Bachmann to Carly Fiorina — are long used to this.

We must applaud Fiorina for her unwavering laser-focused devotion to pinning any criticism of her onto Hillary Clinton, even though Hillary never says her name and, we’re guessing, doesn’t give two scissoring fucks about Fiorina.

We must also point and laugh hysterically at Fiorina for her historical ignorance. (Newsflash: Sarah Palin was not the first conservative lady to aim for high office). Although when Elizabeth Dole briefly ran for president in the 2000 Republican primary, Carly Fiorina had just been appointed CEO of Hewlett-Packard, so she was probably far too busy plotting its destruction to pay attention to politics. Heck, she was too busy to even bother voting in most elections. Politics didn’t really interest her until after she’d been fired and had nothing better to do.

We must now snarkily snicker at Fiorina claiming she’s insulted by anyone who criticizes her, um, less than feministical ideology:

And frankly, I am tired of being insulted by liberal feminists who talk about women’s issues when the reality is every issue is a woman’s issue.

Good thing Fiorina’s here to ladysplain “the reality” that none of us dumb liberal feminists have understood and repeated a trillion times, since at least 1995, when — oh, look who it is — Hillary Clinton declared “that human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights.” It certainly wouldn’t have occurred to us otherwise that every issue is a woman’s issue.

And, in conclusion, we must cattily remind you of that time Carly did a sexism to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer, when she thought no one could hear her.

But Fiorina probably only made that offhanded sexism about her Democratic lady opponent because of how threatened Fiorina was. As well she should have been, given that she lost that race by double digits. But eh, that’s probably just because of how sexist Californians are against women politicians.