'What I did while running for President...'

The ‘Really Cool Things’ Jeb Could Be Doing

We agree with you, Gov. Bush. Here are a few activities you might enjoy more than running for president.

By  Matt Latimer

Jeb Bush has had it with you—that is, you, the 90 to 95 percent of Republican voters who’ve decided that it might be nice to elect a president with a different last name for a change. On Sunday, the former Florida governor explained to voters that he had “a lot of really cool things” he could do other than “being miserable, listening to people demonize me.” In other words, he’s not really enjoying participating in a competitive presidential primary against meanies like Donald Trump. This was news to no one, of course. In tone and demeanor, Bush has often seemed like Ned Flanders wandering onto the set of “Breaking Bad.”

As it happens, most voters seem perfectly OK with Bush’s finding “cooler” things to do—a statement he probably regretted immediately. Still, one is left to ponder: What might those other cool things might be.

A few ideas:

1. The Charles Francis Adams Foundation for the Overlooked Scion. Named for another son of a president, one who didn’t make it to the White House and ended up rather badly. The former governor could issue policy papers, write more books about his email collection and ruminate to his heart’s content about the angry, stupid voters who rejected him.

2. Host of “Celebrity: Apprentice.” Trump wants to play on Bush’s field? Well, fine. He’ll return the favor—by hosting his own show that is certain to match or surpass the ratings attained by his yellow-haired nemesis. Of course, Trump’s angry and demonizing two-word catchphrase won’t do. Instead of bellowing “you’re fired” and ordering people out of the boardroom like some proletarian, the new show would end on a more dignified Bushian note: “Unfortunately, your services are going to be put to better use—perhaps I can find you something at my country club. Hope we’re still friends. Please leave the boardroom at your convenience. You have a nice day now.”

3. Create a line of high-energy drinks. Trump’s infamous “low energy” remark about Bush clearly got into the man’s head. Bush has commented on it repeatedly—some might say defensively. So much so that it may well be the only thing people ever remember about the Bush campaign. Why not show Trump just how “high energy” Bush really is—by creating a line of soft drinks designed to give people breathtaking amounts of vim and vigor. (Tagline: “Jeb! The drink that leaves you feeling Bushed.”) Of course, he’d have to sell this elixir at a price that Joe Commoner could afford. What does one pay for soda these days anyway? Fifty, a hundred, bucks?

4. Executive Director, The Bush Presidential Libraries. That the former governor would enter the 2016 race seemingly completely unprepared for the prospect that parts of the Bush record(s) might be criticized demonstrates more than anything the fundamental disconnect between the candidate and the electorate. Indeed the entire Bush family seems mystified by this. Interestingly, the only time Jeb has seemed committed to winning any argument in this campaign is when he’s defending his family’s presidencies. That trait, though honorable and admirable in many ways, is in fact his biggest problem. But it does open up some career avenues in the future.

5. The Bush-Cantor Institute of Grass-roots Politics. What does a man of the establishment do after being repudiated repeatedly by the voters? Double down, of course. And who better to do it with than Eric Cantor, the former House leader who responded to voters who dumped him as the candidate of Wall Street by . . . cashing in at a Wall Street firm. Together this duo can teach a whole new generation of budding politicos how to pretend to listen to voters and then make millions doing whatever you want to do with your corporate connections. Guest lecturer: Mitt Romney.

6. Selling Supergirl fan fiction. Jeb thinks she’s “pretty hot.” At least he’s excited about something. No more explanation required.

Of course, it’s not too late for the ex-governor, by all accounts a smart, decent and earnest guy, to keep trying for that other “cool” job—you know, the presidency of the United States at a critical time for our nation.

But to really have a shot at the job he’ll have to fight a lot harder. Give up all dreams of a coronation that will never come—or a money machine that can sell a message no one wants to hear. And cease looking down on voters who support less conventionally qualified candidates— aka most of the Republican Party—as stupid or crazy.

This is not an election for platforms and promises—the voters have heard all those before, and been left wanting. The victor in 2016 will have to show he (or she) truly takes to heart the enormous disappointment many conservatives feel not only with the GOP leadership in Congress, but the record of the past two Republican presidencies. That isn’t cool and it isn’t fun. But it is essential.