Did you even know or care???

Did you know there was a Cup?

From Sailing Anarchy

News is emerging from the successful New Zealand defenders of major changes already planned for the next America’s Cup round. They are seen largely as a response to widespread criticism of the challenge just concluded in Barcelona and promise to re-cast the Cup as a genuine 21st Century competition. “We’ve listened to that commentary”, said Kiwi team boss Grunt Dulltone. “We’re moving with the times and returning the event to the fans.”

The most common disappointment voiced by the international sailing community related to the boats and their lack of any connection to mainstream sailing. “Actually, that issue has been quite easy to address”, says Dulltone. “We’re now doing away with boats altogether.” The draft Protocols state that the whole event will be a virtual reality series driven by the latest developments in interactive gaming, computer-generated graphics and AI.

Dalton explains the rationale: “It’s cheaper, more inclusive, and much better for the environment. There’ll be none of that sleazy horse-trading over host venues, no $200 million campaign budgets, no hundreds of jet flights back and forth across the world, no gas-guzzling chase boats, no carbon hulls and sails going to landfill after the racing. At Barcelona, the crews spent most of their time on simulators and looking at screens on the boats. The Cup has been reduced to not much more than a computer game, so why not make it a real one?”

Under the new protocols, the challenging clubs and defenders will each design a virtual boat within strict theoretical dimensions and performance parameters. These will then compete on a background graphical “race track” program of random conditions encompassing variables of wind speed and direction, sea state, tide, and current.

Anyone with access to a computer, tablet, or smartphone can then join the team of their choice for a log-on fee of just $4.99 per race. Using their devices participants will vote – in real-time – for when their boat should tack or gybe, which side of the course to favor, etc. The majority vote at each key tactical moment will decide where the virtual boat goes, and at what speed.

The new AC format has been endorsed by Felon Muskrat and Fart Suckerbird, the two internet moguls whose platforms are expected to make AC38 the biggest direct-participation sporting event in history. In a joint media release, they welcomed the initiative as a sensible response to the changing nature of world sport. “We are pleased to be part of the revitalized Cup”, they said. “X and Facebook will only take a very modest share of the revenues – something around our usual 30% – each.”

The defenders are also attracted by the economic advantages. “The PR people at Louis Vuitton claimed an audience of around 200 million for Barcelona”, Dulltone says. “Do the math! If even half of them sign up for a 9-race virtual series in 2027 that would deliver gross income of almost a billion dollars. That’s serious dough – not that we’d ever let money influence such a pure sporting icon as the America’s Cup. Heaven forbid!”