America's Cup disaster...

Capitan Smelly Pants

From Sailing Anarchy

In yet another masterstroke of campaign strategy, the Trump election team has announced a last-minute challenge for the America’s Cup. The coup is expected to deliver huge promotional value throughout the international sailing community. 

“None of those turkeys can vote in November”, Trump said, speaking to journalists from the penthouse suite of the Barcelona Howard Johnson. “It’s a fix, but they’ve got truckloads of money. That’s all that matters.”  

Jointly sponsored by the National Rifle Association and the Daughters of the American Revolution, the Trump AC75 is to be called Slippery Stormy. “Catchy name, eh?” said the former President. “That thing will go off like a firecracker – just like that blonde broad.”  

The challenging syndicate is officially named Make America Foil Immediately Again (MAFIA for short). They have wasted no time assembling a crew, mainly drawn from the pool cleaning contractors at Mar-a-Lago. “It’s all water”, Trump quipped, “what’s the diff? Most of them are Mexican illegals so they work for peanuts.”

It’s understood that the Defenders and Challenger of Record have already raised issues relating to compliance with the AC37 class rules and protocols. “Fake news. None of that stuff matters. It’s all fake” says Trump. “Who’s the head honcho there, anyway? Guy called Dalton? Just sling him a mill or two and the problem will go away. Cash. Entirely ‘off the books’, of course. My little mate Vlad in Moscow will fix it all.”

The Trump organization has confirmed that the former President will helm the boat himself. 

“I’ve never sailed in my life”, he said, “but it can’t be that hard. I’m fantastic at anything I try. Best in the world! Pick it up in no time.”  “Will there be sharks out there?”

There is no word on the availability of waterproof Depends in size XXXL.

When asked whether he’d studied the racing rules Trump was dismissive. “That’s all a conspiracy cooked up by the Deep State elites. Fake rules. Why should I take any notice of rules now? Never have, never will.”  As to the question that he might fall asleep at the helm, Trump replied, “Adderall, baby!”

  Reporters then questioned the candidate whether the recent injury to his ear would be a disadvantage. Trump was typically upbeat. 

“Seriously,  The Fake Media is always looking for negatives. It’s actually a help. That dumb Dutch painter – what was his name – Van Goffer? Van Croft? Van Gelis? – whatever his stupid name was, he was missing an ear too. His stuff is now worth millions! It’s the way to go. 

I’ll be so far in front they won’t even see me. Ear today, gone tomorrow!”