Drama, intrigue, heroes and villains...

Italy in chaos: An opera in potentially hundreds of acts

It’s got drama, intrigue, heroes and villains. Here’s how Italian politics would look on the stage.

By JACOPO BARIGAZZI AND PAUL DALLISON

The following is both a tragedy and a comedy, with twists and turns and more than one very sharp knife in the back.

In classic operatic style, it features a tenor (League leader Matteo Salvini) and a soprano (5Star Movement chief Luigi Di Maio) who plan to get together but see their hopes of living happily ever after ruined by the dastardly bass baritone (President Sergio Mattarella). Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events is intended.

Starring:
Matteo Salvini
Luigi Di Maio
Sergio Mattarella
Giuseppe Conte
Paolo Savona
Carlo Cottarelli
Silvio Berlusconi
Matteo Renzi

Not starring:
Antonio Tajani

***

Act 1, Scene 1: The streets of an unnamed Italian city — March 3, 2018

It’s the eve of the election and all is calm. Despite warnings of the consequences of there being no clear winner, the populist parties are happy after spending months backtracking on their populist pledges of old. Salvini and Di Maio coquettishly make eyes at each other but their flirting never gets out of hand.

Center stage are Silvio Berlusconi and Matteo Renzi. They run into each other’s arms … (curtains close).

Act 1, Scene 2: The streets of an unnamed Italian city — March 5, 2018

Berlusconi and Renzi lie face down on the floor, stabbed in the back multiple times by the Italian electorate. Entering stage right and left respectively come Salvini and Di Maio, carried shoulder-high by their supporters toward each other.

Aria (Salvini)

“And now my populist dreams are almost complete.
They called me a racist, they called me a phoney,
That’s why I hid, hid behind poor old Berlusconi.

And those foolish 5Stars can help me govern the nation,
Just wait until I am in charge of migration.”

***

Act 2, Scene 1: Quirinal Palace, Rome — May 2018

Fast-forward a couple of months and the populist pair have yet to consummate their relationship. All parties have declared they are happy to call the whole thing off and return to the electorate.

But in the first major plot twist, Mattarella calls the parties and tells them he’s had enough of their bickering. He threatens to call a new election if they can’t agree on a coalition program. That scares everybody, and within days the star-crossed would-be lovers announce a coalition deal.

Aria (Mattarella)

“You have no power they said,
You’re just a figurehead they said,
But for the populists it’s now evident,
You don’t mess with the president.”

***

Act 2, Scene 2: Volturara Appula — May 2018

Salvini and Di Maio wander through the opera house looking for a volunteer from the audience. They find one in Giuseppe Conte.

After they whisper conspiratorially in his ear for a minute, he announces: “I’ll be your prime minister!”
Extras: “Who are you?”
Conte: “The next president!”
Extras: “Who are you?”
Conte: “Be quiet, all you political pundits.”
Extras: “But you’re just a puppet, puppet, puppet.”

Then, out of the shadows steps a mysterious figure. He pulls back his hood and swishes his cloak … it’s Paolo Savona, an elderly but deadly figure with a hatred of the eurozone.

Act 2, Scene 3: Quirinal Palace, Rome — May 2018

Mattarella stands smiling, pen and coalition contract in hand. Salvini and Di Maio are about to shake his hand when … in walks Savona! Mattarella recoils in horror.

Fight scene.

The 76-year-old president eventually overcomes the 81-year-old economist.

Mattarella: “I won, now choose again and you are in power.”
Salvini: “No, I won’t bow to a man in his ivory tower.”
Di Maio and massed ranks of the 5Stars: “Storm the palace!”
Mattarella: “Cross me and I’ll bring in the technocrats.”
Salvini: “I’d rather let the country fall flat.”
Di Maio and massed ranks of the 5Stars: “Storm the palace!”

Act 3, Scene 1: Quirinal Palace, Rome.

Mattarella, alone, stares out of the window.

Aria (Mattarella)
“I hate those populists, but they’ll never reach me,
Unless they succeed in trying to impeach me.
But I know just the man to save Italy,
It’ll be just me and him, and him and me.
I’ve climbed the highest mountains and swum the deepest rivers,
Now somebody go and get me Mr. Scissors!”