Post from The Onion
With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.
As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost. Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.
“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”
“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”
Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns. Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.
“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.
As noted by her acquaintances, Gaither’s unrivaled expertise extends far beyond her appraisal of poor people’s shopping lists. Indeed, sources confirmed that she is also nothing short of a savant on such matters as whether young children should be given electronic gizmos to play with instead of a book, what homeless individuals are doing with the spare change you give them, and what on earth would motivate someone to go out in public like that.
Additionally, Gaither has earned wide commendation for putting forth a clear, straightforward solution to the behavioral problems she has identified as plaguing the poor population, suggesting simply that needy families stop popping out babies and focus on raising the ones they already have.
“No matter where you go, it always seems like Carol has some amazing new piece of insight about people around her,” said friend Gloria Ferris, who told reporters that she has often marveled at Gaither’s abilities on trips to the mall, the movies, and especially in restaurants. “Whether she’s analyzing exactly how a parent should go about disciplining their child or methodically dissecting the laziness of obese people who ride around in motorized carts, Carol’s on top of it. She just has a gift.”
As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost. Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.
“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”
“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”
Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns. Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.
“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.
As noted by her acquaintances, Gaither’s unrivaled expertise extends far beyond her appraisal of poor people’s shopping lists. Indeed, sources confirmed that she is also nothing short of a savant on such matters as whether young children should be given electronic gizmos to play with instead of a book, what homeless individuals are doing with the spare change you give them, and what on earth would motivate someone to go out in public like that.
Additionally, Gaither has earned wide commendation for putting forth a clear, straightforward solution to the behavioral problems she has identified as plaguing the poor population, suggesting simply that needy families stop popping out babies and focus on raising the ones they already have.
“No matter where you go, it always seems like Carol has some amazing new piece of insight about people around her,” said friend Gloria Ferris, who told reporters that she has often marveled at Gaither’s abilities on trips to the mall, the movies, and especially in restaurants. “Whether she’s analyzing exactly how a parent should go about disciplining their child or methodically dissecting the laziness of obese people who ride around in motorized carts, Carol’s on top of it. She just has a gift.”
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.