Dopy Dummy Donnie

Do as i say

From Sailing Anarchy

White House press secretary Dolores Lickspittle has announced a slew of new Executive Orders signed by President Donald Dump that relate to the sport of sailing.

Commenting on the changes during an interview with Pox News the President said “The dopey Democrats have controlled that sport for too long. The wrong people were winning all the races. Do I need to remind you that they are all foreigners?? Winning the America’s Cup? We’re gonna fix that.”

Chief among the orders is the immediate abolition of the port-and-starboard rule. “That’s totally unfair”, said Dump. “Why should one guy have to give way to another just because the wind is on the left side of his boat? You gotta have a fair fight. Toughest guy wins. America First.”

A secondary Executive Order signed by the President removes the rules governing overlap and room at rounding marks. Dump has declared these to be an unwarranted infringement of civil rights. “Rules, rules, rules!”, he scoffed. “Who needs them? It should be just like in that wonderful sport UFC. You bash and barge until someone comes out in front. Keep it simple, for chrissakes!”

Meanwhile, Congress has been directed to enact a new law requiring Democrat states such as New York and California to pay a levy for the wind they use during sailing events. Vice-President JD Pants explained the rationale behind this legislation in an opinion article published today in The Wall Street Urinal.

“Those guys have had a free ride for too long”, Vance wrote. “Honest, hard-working Americans across our great nation have paid taxes all their lives to generate those winds. It’s only fair that the coastal fake news elites cough up some dollars for their dumbass hobby.”

It is understood that an additional Executive Order will soon be issued instructing the State Department to extract similar payments from any nation whose sailors benefit from wind that might have originated from continental America, Alaska, Hawaii or any other US possession.

When asked for his reaction the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Antonio Airguitar, seemed unconcerned. “The international community is not unduly troubled by this development,” he said.

“We anticipate those measures will not be enacted for some time. President Dump must first make good on his promises to end the wars in Ukraine and Gaza, acquire Greenland and the Panama Canal, bring down the price of oil, reduce taxes, end inflation, make America great again, and colonize Mars. That could take a while.”