He's broke hahahaha

Donald Trump is broke hahahaha

SFGATE columnist Drew Magary writes about Trump's latest financial setback

By Drew Magary

Did you hear the news? Donald Trump is broke as s—t! Sure, you already knew that the former president’s empire was built on bankrupt casinos, skyscrapers that are cratering in value, fake universities, fake shoes, unpaid vendors, dodged taxes, undrinkable wines and inedible steaks. You already knew that this man didn’t actually have an empire at all ... that he was full of s—t the entire time.

But now it’s OFFICIAL, because New York Attorney General Letitia James was able to prove it in an enormous, victorious civil fraud suit against the former president. After presiding Judge Arthur F. Engoron first ruled last fall that Trump had manipulated his net worth and submitted documents to lenders that “clearly contain fraudulent valuations,” Engoron ruled two weeks ago that Trump owed the state of New York $355 million, plus interest, for a total of $450 million. The court gave Trump 30 days to either pay the fine himself (HAHAHA) or secure a bond for it. 

Trump, of course, is no stranger to using other people’s money for his own benefit, so what was a $450 million bond between him and one of his wealthier friends or donors?

The answer: about $350 million too high. From the New York Times:

“Donald J. Trump offered a New York appeals court on Wednesday a bond of only $100 million to pause the more than $450 million judgment he faces in his civil fraud case, saying that he might need to sell some of his properties unless he gets relief.” 

That appeals court just rejected that offer and demanded that Trump, for the first time in his life, pay the full tab. This bill comes due after another New York court ordered Trump to pay writer E. Jean Carroll another $83.3 MILLION for defaming her after she accused him of sexually assaulting her in a department store in 1996. In 2019, Trump denied Carroll’s accusation in characteristic Trump fashion, by crowing that she was “totally lying.” Well, the jury in that case found that to be, like, totally defamatory, because Trump knew what he was saying was false (and that what Carroll had said was true). 

Trump is also in deep doo-doo with both the Georgia district attorney and the Department of Justice after pressuring state officials to “find” him votes in 2020 and then amateurminding the Jan. 6 assault on the Capitol. Oh, and Trump’s Republican Party currently only has $8.7 million on hand.

So now is when you and I get to spike the football and do the happy dance. BROKE-ASS DONALD TRUMP IS BROKE AS S—T! YOU PATHETIC LOSER! YOU SAGGY-ASS HOBO! YOU DON’T HAVE NO ICE CREAM ... YOU DIDN’T GET NONE! YOU DIDN’T GET NONE!

I know that you’re wary about exulting here. Save for the 2020 election, every celebration of Trump’s demise has turned out to be premature. Liberals like me loved cooing, “ooooh, he’s in trouble now,” after Trump fired James Comey, after Robert Mueller was assigned to investigate him for high crimes, after he tweeted New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand was totally into him and after he was impeached … twice. You’ve been hurt before. I get it. You also live in a political media ecosystem that’s DYING to keep Trump’s election prospects alive so that they can get juicy copy out of it.

But let me explain why you should cast those worries aside this time around. It’s because Donald Trump is a deeply, deeply stupid man. History’s greatest dumbass. Trump amassed great wealth and power as an unhappy accident, the byproduct of an inherently corrupt nation designed to prop up his ilk at the expense of normal, cool people. He then used that wealth and power to brainwash our dimmest citizens into believing that he was a new messiah, with big strong ideas and even bigger, stronger pectoral muscles. He was the take-no-guff rich guy that his voters imagined they themselves could one day be. He was their proxy. And now he can’t even find $450 million in his couch cushions, almost certainly because he never had it to begin with. Look at this joyless, penniless loser as he’s forced to look into a working mirror for perhaps the first time ever:

Do you really expect me to be intimidated by this guy, or by a cash-poor Republican Party whose best alternative to him was Nikki f—king Haley? I said it here before and I’ll say it again: These people don’t know what the f—k they’re doing. At all. Donald Trump has no idea how he’ll pay off these debts. His party is physically incapable of passing any law in the House. They couldn’t even pick a House leader, and the one they did pick has both a name and a face that scream “in witness protection.” And the Republican Senate leader/strategic mastermind is a miserable simp who just turned in his junior dictator badge because he may or may not poop himself all day long.

You’ve long known that Democrats are stubborn and idiotic, often because they play not to lose rather than to actively beat the opposition. But again: LOOK at this opposition. Look how broke, stupid and ugly they all are. Kick them while they’re down, and then rejoice. Because I wouldn’t hire Donald Trump to park my car, and that’s a fun little bit of irony because he could probably use the cash.