Shakespearean Guide

“Hell is Empty and All

 the Devils are Here”:

A Shakespearean Guide

 to the 2016 Republican Primary.

BY EMILY UECKER

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Donald Trump

… many a man hath more hair than wit.

Scott Walker

O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!

Ted Cruz

I have no spur

 To prick the sides of my intent, but only

 Vaulting ambition, which o’erleaps itself

 And falls on th’ other.

Mike Huckabee

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

George Pataki

[Enter Ghost]

Chris Christie

In the corrupted currents of this world

 Offence’s gilded hand may shove by justice,

 And oft ‘tis seen the wicked prize itself

 Buys out the law.

Ben Carson

How well he’s read, to reason against reading!

Lindsey Graham

March on, march on, since we are up in arms,

 If not to fight with foreign enemies,

 Yet to beat down these rebels here at home.

Marco Rubio

I will praise any man that will praise me.

Carly Fiorina

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

Rick Santorum

Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not

 suspect my years? O that he were here to write me

 down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an

 ass, though it be not written down, yet forget not

 that I am an ass.

John Kasich

… those sparks of life 

 That should be in a Roman you do want, 

 Or else you use not.

Bobby Jindal

… too low for a high praise, too

 brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise.

Rand Paul

My father’s love is enough to honor him. Enough.

 Speak no more of him; you’ll be whipped for

 taxation one of these days.

Rick Perry

A stony adversary, an inhuman wretch

 Uncapable of pity, void and empty

 From any dram of mercy.

Jeb Bush

Give me my robe. Put on my crown. I have

 Immortal longings in me.